Life Without Parole

What happens when life isn't what you expected?

I hesitated to name this substack Life Without Parole, because obviously it has a negative connotation to it. It means you did something wrong and now you have to pay for it. Behind bars. You won’t get out, ever. Sounds harsh.

For a long time I thought I had done something wrong, and I was being punished. I was never going to get out, ever. It felt harsh. However, I no longer feel that way and my life without parole has actually taken a turn. I’ve let my circumstances become a life changing, eternal perspective. Now, I feel more like this:

Often times, throughout my 30 years of being a mom I have felt like I wanted to escape from the circumstances I found myself in. Daydreaming about what it would be like if things were just different. Who would I be if I wasn’t stuck at home taking care of this special needs adult? What kind of work would I be doing? What kind of social life would my husband and I have? How would our marriage be different? Would we both be working, making lots of money and travelling on vacations? Or at the very least would we have a savings account so we COULD go on a fantastic vacation if we wanted to?

I would probably have met lifelong friends that were co-workers. I would have a resume. By now I would’ve certainly planned a wedding with my daughter and watched her walk down the aisle, and most likely be a grandma. I’d have a son-in-law. I wouldn’t still be cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for her. I wouldn’t be cleaning her room and folding her clothes. I wouldn’t be cleaning up bathroom accidents, still. I wouldn’t be making daily life decisions for her. I would’t be stopping in the middle of the grocery store with a shopping cart full of cold and frozen foods to take her to the bathroom. I wouldn’t be reading a menu and deciding for her what she should and shouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t be tucking her in at bedtime and doing the bedtime routine every single night at 30 years old anymore. I wouldn’t be in tears while I dealt with doctors, state agencies, and insurance companies; not everything in life would be so hard. I wouldn’t be worrying about who will take care of her after I’m dead. I wouldn’t be paying for a lawyer, to ask a judge for permission to continue taking care of my own daughter’s medical, financial, and social needs for the rest of her life. Nope. Life would sure be different.

Dwelling on these sorts of circumstance won’t change them. Looking through prison bars with no possibility of parole, and seeing the challenges in my peripheral vision is a hopeless feeling. That is not a productive way to live. It’s rather destructive mentally, phyisically and spiritually to what God is trying to show me, and teach me, now.

What if, just what if…I start to see my circumstances as a way to become a fighter? What if this prison is teaching me how to perservere? What if no parole means I am getting the opportunity over and over, day by day, minute by minute to become a different person inside and out? A person who is learning how to endure knowing that in the end it produces perserverance that turns me into someone who won’t quit? What if this whole prison sentence turns me into a person who will be able to excercise great faith in the midst of extreme circumstances? Would the prison sentence and life without parole be worth it, if I could see what it is producing deep down in the depths of my heart?

What would someone be willing to sacrifice if it meant that come hell or high water they would fight for someone else who is vulnerable and unable to defend themselves?
What would someone be willing to sacrifice if it meant that they could learn the true meaning of laying their life down for someone else?
Would anyone be willing to give up a career, their dignity, their rights, their hopes and dreams, if it meant that these attributes would form in them and help change them into the person that God created them to be, for eternity? Not just here in this life, but in the eternal life that is yet to come?
What if people’s eyes stop looking to the momentary happiness they find in this life, and the fullfillment in the here and now and start thinking past that?
What if instead of wondering who they are supposed to be now, they start wondering who God wants them to be after - the now?

Would any of this help someone to get past life without parole, for a chance to be ready for perfection and freedom in eternity? Eternity is a lot longer than our years here on earth will be.

What if everything we are thinking, doing, living for, and experiencing, is a chance to be transformed for the better?

What if our suffering produces patience?
What if our long-suffering produces endurance?
What if our endurance teaches us to be steadfast and have faith?

What if we are getting the chance to practice perserverance and endurance now, so that when life gets really tough we will be able to handle it?

As the days go on I am starting to really see the world for what it is. I’m realizing the evil that has taken over. I am keenly aware that things are getting darker and more difficult. We are going to need our faith, our perserverance, and our endurance to face what might be headed our way.

Will we be faithful and not give up when our lives depend on it? If we can’t be faithful NOW, how will we be faithful if we find ourselves without food or shelter at some point? Will we be able to perservere and be at peace if we find ourselves in the midst of a war? What if life as we know it drastically changes into something much more uncomfortable and even dangerous? What would we do if we were forced to either renounce our faith or die? What if we are left with no income? What if we lost our homes? What if we get sick? There is an endless list of what if’s.

WHAT IF…every difficult circumstance we find ourselves dealing with on a daily basis whether it is being a caregiver, changing careers, starting a new business or closing an old one, starting over in a new location, standing up for what’s right even when no one else is, challenging the powers that be, battling lonliness and lack of purpose, or just simply figuring out how to pay our bills is an opportunity to let God change our hearts, our thinking, and our perspective to prepare us for what is to come? I can’t see what is to come, but He can. If it were up to me I wouldn’t face any suffering at all. Everything would be easy and fun. But, would easy and fun get me through difficult things ahead?

Every time I feel sad that I am stuck at home caregiving, I try to remember I am gaining a new perspective. One that leads me to be grateful for what I do have. I may need to learn to be grateful for what I have because someday I may not have food in the pantry and will be living from one meal to the next. That might be preparing me for what I cannot see right now.

Every time I feel embarrassed that I have to take my 30 year old daughter into a handicapped stall to help her with her bathroom issues at the grocery store, I am gaining a new perspective. One that leads me to know its okay to lay down my pride and dignity, and show unconditional love for another human being? It may enable me to show unconditional love for someone other than my own flesh and blood someday. That might be preparing me for what I cannot see right now.

Every time I feel hopeless because my circumstances aren’t what I thought they would be at this point in my life, I am getting an opportunity to be an example to someone else who is also deeply struggling with their circumstances? That might be preparing me for what I cannot see right now.

There is more after this life. There will be an eternity. Even if you don’t believe in that, it wouldn’t change the reality of it.
Am I ready for it? Are you ready for it?
My answer is yes and no.
In my heart I know where I will spend eternity, but in my mind I need to be serving life without parole, as I need a lot of heart changing, perspective shifts, and character building to happen.

Do you have difficult circumstances in your life that you want to escape from? Is God asking you to embrace the suck and let it teach you something?
Are you serving life without parole?